Just a quick scream

I am still cranky. I am frustrated by too many things. My lack of energy, my lack of health, my lack of finalization on condo purchasing. I wasn’t able to put a finger on exactly what was going on until this morning when I spent 30 minutes taking care of insurance and some more Huntington questions and I felt happier. That’s when it hit me that I was feeling extra frustrated with the fact that I was waiting for people to do things that I had nothing to do with. There is so much happening that I am not in the loop on and I have to just sit and wait for other people to tell me what I need to do. NOT my preferred way of doing things. I use to joke about it at work, but it’s true. I do not play well with others. Either put me in charge, or put me alone. I will consider this all a lesson in patience.

I do find a small fact I discovered this morning a little unnerving. I keep a checking account and a savings account. The majority of our money is in a savings account. Well, that’s not true. The majority of our money is in a 401K.  I use the checking account for operating expenses and the savings  account for saving. I never let the checking account get to big or too small. This morning I found out that Huntington Mortgage was unaware of the money in our savings accounts. This means they were going to give us a loan based on only seeing the small amount I keep in checking! Uncool. That is not a good sign for the housing market. There wasn’t even enough in there to cover closing costs. tsk, tsk.

Also – this morning I ate oatmeal. I buy the whole oat organic oatmeal. I don’t really like it, but you know, health. I am still struggling with digesting food and since I just had chemo on Wednesday I need to be careful. So on a whim I threw my uncooked oats into my ninja and pulsed a few times then cooked it. So much better!! Not chewy and cooked so fast. A coffee grinder would have worked too. Now to see if it makes me sick, or no.

I am reading Game of Thrones – the first book. Quite enjoying it!

That is all.





My crazy side

I am cranky today. Don’t know why but everything is making me angry. I dislike it when I feel like that.

There is a part of me that believes I will never leave this house and never live in a place other than this. The closer we get to that actually happening the louder the voice in my head is. I think if I die right after closing you all should consider burning the house down. Just in case.

Tomorrow Corey will fill out all of the paperwork again for our mortgage. He will then scan and email it so that next week when they say they lost it, at least he can just resend it.




#AnthemInsurance #Anthem – A letter to my insurance company.

Dear Anthem,

Regarding your letter received July 27, 2015 referencing my claim for the molecular profiling via Foundation One, I fully expected the denial of the claim however the statement in your letter about why you made that decision is disheartening.


I quote:

“Your doctor ordered this test to help choose a treatment for you. Medical studies do not show that using this type of panel of tests lead to better treatment and health”.

In my case this was a life saving measure. I have been treated with multiple approved chemotherapy drugs and my cancer was found to be resistant to these drugs. After the report was received from Foundation One it was found that my tumor tissue was HER2 / ERBB2 positive. I was entered into a clinical trial specifically for cancers that had this trait and given two rounds of this “experimental” treatment. My next PET scan shows that the active cancer is gone.

Nope - No cancer here
Nope – No cancer here

If this information had been known in 2011 before I started any treatments it would have saved you hundreds of thousands of dollars and saved me a lifetime of debilitating side effects. If I had not had this information that allowed me to be entered into the clinical trial I would die. This is not an exaggeration, this is an almost certainty. If I had not allowed this testing I WOULD DIE. If I can save even one person from going through what I have been through it is well worth the money I will be paying to Foundation One.

Now that I have shown you this information, and you have proof right before your eyes I am sure you will immediately change your policies and start encouraging doctors to do these tests first ensuring your customers, their patients, get the best care possible and in the process save some of them from death. That is what it’s all about right?

This should be a first step, not a last resort!

I am Exceptional

Last night I dreamed that I was at a large party. The party was a surprise party for me thrown by my boyfriend so he could propose. I was very unhappy, I did not want it, or him. The party was not really about me. During the party he was giving a speech and during the speech he somehow fell and smacked his head against a shelf. Everyone stood by and watched and he yelled out, “no, it really hurts”.

He ended up with brain damage and the rest of the dream was me spending the rest of my life taking care of him as I would a small child. 🙁


I have been reading this book:

Love, Medicine & Miracles. – Lessons learned about self-healing from a surgeons experience with exceptional patients.
Bernie S. Siegel, M.D.

I am an exceptional patient. His term, not mine. I thought is was very interesting. His book becomes heavily slanted on the religious connection for the second half, so meh. I am also not sure I agree with some of his conclusions.  Luckily since I am exceptional I am very good at picking out the parts I agree with and discarding the rest. 🙂

Here are some parts I highlighted for different reasons.

“lack of emotional outlet is a common theme in the histories of cancer patients” – For instance this one. I think you could poll any group and say this.

“You can’t survive caner if you get up every morning thinking how you hate what you’ll be doing all day” – I only argue the definitiveness of this statement. Some people do. However, I was the other end of the spectrum and fit his example. I appreciated every thing that was done to me as a way to make myself live longer. It was one of my coping strategies and fulfilled the need in my personality to overcome and persevere in a challenge.

“Since physical illness usually brings sympathy from friends and relative, it can be a way of gaining love or nurturing” – This is true. I am not a nurtured or nurturing person and this was one of the benefits I gained from being sick. The longer I am dealing with this, the longer I go through chemo the less of this there is. It becomes commonplace for me to “get chemo”. I may have to break a bone next year. I think this is probably an accurate part of the Munchhausen by Proxy personality too.

Survival Characteristics “They are receptive and creative, but sometimes hostile, having strong egos and a sense of their own adequacy. They have a high degree of self-esteem and self-love. Thy are rarely docile. They retain control of their lives. They are intelligent with a strong sense of reality. They are self-reliant, they don’t need to be included among others although they value interactions with others. Although concerned with their own welfare they are also tolerant and concerned with others. They tend to be nonconformists with a permissive morality – they are unprejudiced and they appreciate diversity among other people.” – this was not Dr. Siegels description but one he quoted. I think this applies to be very well. Or at least to my perception of myself.

“Many people, especially cancer patients, grow up believing there is some terrible flaws at the center of their being, a defect they must hide if they are to have and any chance for love. Feeling unlovable and condemned to loneliness if their true selves become known, such individuals set up defenses against sharing their innermost feelings with anyone. They feel their ability to love shriveling up, which leads to further despair” – I am not sure that the word despair is a word that I would use for almost anything but unfortunately this description is spot on. Again though, I find it hard to believe that it is any more typical in a group of cancer patients than any other group.

“you can look at a murderer with love based on the fact that you know what got him where he is.”
“this is not an acceptance of evil, but rather a refusal to sink to it’s level” – I use to think there was something just broken inside of me because of this. So many people do not fit this description, but I do. I don’t know why my mind works this way and I use to worry that since I can understand the why of someone’s horrible actions perhaps that meant my mind was wired the way as well and I could have done these dastardly deeds.


So, very interesting book discussing the connection between your attitude and your outcome. I think it’s a good explanation of this especially for people who are not wired this way.