Had a rough night. For some reason I had a bunch of things flare up when I went to bed. Neuropathy, itchy arms, coughing, stuffy sinuses all BAM. Which of course tells me everything is somehow related. Wish I could figure it out. Nothing I tried helped. Today I feel better except the neuroathy is very bad. I just took more meds so I am hoping by the time I am done typing it will stop hurting my fingertips. 🙂
Also hurt myself working out last night! I was doing side plank with my feet on a step and as soon as I went up I twisted and fell and I have pulled or bruised something on my rib. Silly.
BUT that’s not why I’ve called you all here. This morning Tami shared a link to a blog on Facebook. It was about a family. Mom, dad and baby I think. And the Mom has some type of cancer. I don’t know much, just read this one entry about how they had decided no more chemo because the chemo they just did after surgery didn’t help and her cancer was progressing aggressively. I would no more tell someone that their decision is wrong to stop chemo than I would go ahead and smack the people who tell me I should stop chemo. You know, just for awhile to let the side effects clear up. Yes, people do tell me that. Regardless of what or how they say it this is what I hear. “Your chemo may be saving your life but your side effects are inconvenient so go ahead and stop now. You probably won’t die but I am willing to take that chance.” I understand that this is probably not what they mean, but it’s what I hear.
When I read the blog this morning my first thought was OH NO! This woman had chemo for five months and then they checked her cancer. This is pretty standard protocol for someone who has just been diagnosed and they are trying standard treatment. My inside wants to just scream out at them – CALL ANOTHER DOCTOR! Don’t give up yet. You have a beautiful family. 🙁 But like I said, I don’t know the whole story. Maybe this isn’t really what’s going on. This line of thought led me to another. In the small part of the blog that I read God and religion is discussed a lot. It made me wonder…yes, this is finally the reason I started typing this blog…do people who have strong beliefs in God and Heaven and an afterlife give up on treatment faster? When it starts getting difficult is it easier for them to say it’s okay there is something better waiting for me, or my spouse, or my child, on the other side?
Oddly last night I had a dream that involved ghosts and one of the times I woke up I suddenly thought, oh that proves it! There is an afterlife. I wish I could remember more.
The other day I took pictures of shadows around my condo. 🙂
These are not shadows, they are cookies. There is a bakery down the street and I wanted to see if it was any good. This is a sugar cookie, a sour cream cookie with cream cheese frosting and a cherry cookie. They were good. The cherry cookie was especially good.
I went for a walk this evening. I love coming around the corner when I come home and seeing this tree.
I don’t sit in the front too often so I took a picture. 🙂
I just realized that I might have a cold. The reason that’s weird is that I think I have been sick for the last couple of days and didn’t notice. There are so many weird side effects from long term chemo that I just assume that everything I feel each day is a chemo side effect. It didn’t occur to me until this morning that I might actually have a bug. My immunities seem to be very low the last month or so and I am catching everything.
I am having a very uncomfortable skin reaction to one of my meds. It’s not an abnormal thing according to all the support group forums, but once again all the chemo nurses and NP’s said, oh…I’ve never heard of that. My arms itch. They started itching about four weeks ago and it’s just gotten steadily worse. I thought it was part of the neuropathy that I have in my hands and feet (one toe almost completely numb now) but it’s not. So they started itching and then the itch started getting worse. It feels like my arms have rubbed up against fiberglass and now whenever anything touches them it’s rubbing against all the fibers. It’s stingy and itchy, and now it’s turning into visible hives. Someone who also has the side effect described it as looking like a meth addict, and I have to say I am about two scabs away from that right now. Having clothing rub against my arms is a challenge. I am currently trying Frankincense and coconut oil. I don’t know if it helps with the itch but it seems to be healing the sores faster. The redness goes away really quickly (Thanks Nina!).
The other aggravating side effect of the chemo meds is cold like symptoms. Which explains why I didn’t notice I was actually getting sick. My lungs are getting quite congested the last couple of days and today I am a little headachy and achy so yay, at least I know my lung congestion is probably from that and not from anything more dire. 🙂
My daughter is also healing quickly and that makes me happy. She’s a tough little bird. She has always reminded me of a little bird. I am surprised I didn’t saddle her with a pet name that matched. She’s like a little sparrow.
Having a party Saturday. Just a little get together to bring people into our circle. We don’t invite people into our home. Ever. So this is it. Haven’t even decorated the condo yet, don’t care. I just want to feel the energy of having people I like in my space. I will fill everyone with crackers & cheese and wine and bask. I hope. I don’t know if it will be six people or 26 people. I hope the weather is nice. It’s a small condo!
I am sitting in my daughter’s hospital room watching her sleep for 3 minutes at a time. That’s all that is important right now. 27 year old, 2 year old. When they’re hurt and scared and need you, you react the same way regardless of their age.
I am glad I live in the same city.
She is getting a blood transfusion right now. She doesn’t seem to be making enough of her own. 🙁