I joke about my three month treatment cycle being like one week of clarity and 2 months 3 weeks of Schrodinger’s cancer. We’re coming up on the time for box opening. Monday is my echocardiogram to make sure my heart is holding up okay on the meds and then the next week – in theory – will be my quarterly PET scan to see what the tumors are doing. My appointment is the 11th so that is when I will find out the results. I always feel a little anxious about it but this time I am feeling extra anxious. I have not been feeling healthy. I am extra tired and my lungs are extra bad. Hopefully this has to do with the weather and the cold that I just couldn’t kick.
This past week was chemo week. Chemo makes my systems all but shut down. My hair stops growing, my nails stop growing, and my digestive systems stop working. Getting bursts of exercise kicks your metabolism up a notch. I was really curious to see if I could combine chemo & exercise and have a positive effect on the side effects. So after chemo on Tuesday I worked out. Well, like five hours later. I actually think it did help! Though on Friday morning I just crashed. I woke up and was tired, drank my coffee, hung out in bed for an hour watching television and then I went back to sleep. VERY unusual for me.
Thanksgiving was nice. My daughter cooked for everyone and we all hung out at her house. Only a few small crisis, and hurt feelings with only minor pouting. I don’t understand why people get like that, I just don’t. Especially when it comes to family. Just let it go. Swoosh….don’t hold onto shit for even a second. If someone annoys you, so what? They’re still your family, they’re still going to be around, you know they didn’t do it out of meanness. LET IT GO.
I did’t get sick after thanksgiving either. 🙂
Selling things locally online is ridiculous. Just ridiculous. I have a couple of facebook garage sale groups in my feed and it’s always a pain to deal with people. I also tried the new app – LetGo – I have had slightly better success with that. Just had some stuff from the old house that was too good to toss but didn’t really have a home in the new place.
This post came up in a conversation yesterday on a cancer support group. I think it still applies. I still spend a lot of time trying to be prepared and keep myself strong. People don’t tell me not to nearly as much anymore, go figure.
(I just noticed I wrote this on my daughter’s birthday in 2013)
Lance Armstrong has of course been all over the news and the blogosphere the last week. I must admit right now that I have not seen any of his Oprah interview, nor have I heard any direct quotes from it. I have heard other people talking about what he said. I don’t really have a lot to say about the doping issue except maybe, DUH. All of the pro (and probably semi-pro & college) sports are filled with illegal actions. We have, dog fighters, rapists, wife beaters, drug addicts, alcoholics and pedophiles THAT WE KNOW ABOUT and we pay them millions of dollars and look the other way until they are arrested and then we profess outrage for as long as the media keeps talking about the story, then we move on to the next thing. The reason we have to do constant drug testing is because every sport is built on performance enhancing drugs, and if you don’t think so, go count how many medals have been stripped from Olympic Athletes. If you think it’s a horrible thing, stop watching the sports. Stop buying the merchandise. Stop being a fan of people who do these things. Stop encouraging the behavior.
Now on to LiveStrong. I have been a fan of LiveStrong the organization for years. You can go back through my blog and see how many times I’ve recommended the website for exercise & nutrition tracking and/or advice. Last year I got to learn about the other half of livestrong. I went to them for a lot of information about cancer, and treatments. I read their forums, and support groups. I read advice on how to keep moving forward. I cannot do anything but applaud their mission and their statement that’s right there in their name. LIVE STRONG. Not weak, don’t sit down and let life run over you. Fight back against the things that are trying to steal your joy. Weight, smoking, sickness, depression, doesn’t matter, my advice is the same. Don’t give up. Don’t let it steal even one moment from you.
When I was diagnosed I bought a yellow bracelet and I have not taken it off since except for brief moments when I had to. It’s not about the organization, or even the cancer, it’s about LIVING. It’s my badge telling you that I am a fighter and that I will do everything I can to continue to live with strength and dignity.
People tell me to stop thinking about my cancer. I think, they think, that by talking about it I must be brooding and worrying.It really frustrates me, It’s not true. If I lived in a flood zone you wouldn’t tell me to stop paying attention to the water levels. It’s much more like the Doomsday prepper people. I think every day about what I need to do to make sure that if it comes back, I am ready. I am beginning to think it’s really just a word thing, so I think we should rename my cancer Zombies.
I am fortifying my life for the Zombie outbreak. I know it’s possible that next week the zombies could take over my neighborhood so I try to make sure that the people I love, know that I love them. When an opportunity to do something wonderful comes up I almost never think I shouldn’t do it, or feel guilty about the time or money I spend on it because I know that in a moment the zombies could shut down the airports, or make boating unsafe. It’s possible that the outbreak could start and I might never see people I like again. How can you not take every opportunity to see people if you know it might be the last time? When the outbreak hits, it will take over quickly. One day you’re putting off playing with your beagle until tomorrow and the next day the zombies eat you. Play with the beagle today.
I give myself time to exercise so that I can build strength and stamina. Zombies are slow but persistent so when they attack you better be able to run for the long haul. If you are weak and tired you will not survive. They will overtake you and you’ll never be able to get up. They may not be strong but they can overwhelm you.
You must eat well and keep your house stocked with healthy foods. Junk food will deteriorate your body now, and will not provide you with the nutrition you need once the zombies cut off our food supply.
Thankfully once my eyes were opened to the potential Zombie outbreak I have never been able to shut them again. I am so very thankful for all of the beauty and joy in my life and I really do appreciate it every single day. I’m not afraid of the Zombies, I’m not even afraid of becoming a Zombie, (Honestly, I don’t think I’m afraid of much of anything anymore. except walking into a dark room, go figure) what do I care, once that happens I won’t know. I don’t believe that once you become a Zombie you think or feel, or have any real life after the turning. I think you just stop being you. So, you better be happy with who you are now.
So this is what the yellow bracelet means. It means that I am part of the group who knows zombies are real. Don’t worry, if the zombies come after you I will help. I am prepared.
When I sit at my dining room table looking out on the world I see this. I know that building in the background is a plain old Duplex/Condo with aluminum siding but with my blurry eyes and three or four leaf less trees in the way it’s easy to see a lovely English cottage instead.
A lot of my life is like that. I may know intellectually what I am looking at but I make the choice to see what I want to see. I adapt my surroundings to be what I want them to be. I see myself how I want to be. I think when I need to, I am perfectly able to see myself as well as my surroundings as they really are, I just choose to look past that most of the time.