Too tired for titleing

I feel like I am losing ground. I don’t know why! I am eating better than I have in years, I am certainly putting in the physical effort, but I feel like I am getting weaker again. It’s very frustrating. Realistically I know this is probably the long term effects of years of chemo and other drugs, but it seems like there should be a way for me to get on top of it. I still really only have about four hours worth of moving tim in my day and I find myself spending it carefully.

I am hoping that stopping the 12 months worth of antibiotics will help too. My appointment with the infectious disease doctor is next week. I wonder if I will suddenly get assailed by biopics and have to spend weeks adjusting to my own unbufferred immune system?

I think Dusty would be happier if I had more energy



Last week the puppy discovered that the lid can be pushed off this foot stool. It has not been on correctly since. Driving me crazy.  The cat has discovered the drawers on my little chest of drawers that I use as a nightstand slide open and so now they are always open. I think th animals got together and saw the movie Gaslight.

I am sorry if my posts lately have seemed a little maudlin. I really don’t feel that bad! I have always been happier curled up in a ball reading a book but I do not like not having a choice. As I type that I realized that it’s not the whole problem. Suddenly I know a bunch of people are not being successfully treated for their cancer and it scares me. It’s just not fair that you can fight and fight and be a good person surrounded by love and beauty and have no choices,





Don’t cry for me Argentina

totally lying. Cry for me!

someone in my extended circle lost someone recently and I wanted to say something but since I am physically unable to not make everything about me, I didn’t. So I will say it here.

Many years ago someone died and I grieved, and I watched all these other people also grieve. So many people. I was so touched by how many people came out of the woodwork and had lovely stories about him.

i realized that if I died, while there would certainly be sad people, there would not be a wave of people who knew me just enough to be sad that I was gone, and to have memories of me.  It made me sad. I had made so little impact on my world. At the time it added another straw to my internal camel ? of seclusion. It was another step pushing me towards making some changes in my life.

While I am certainly no social butterfly,I Ido believe that at this point in my life this is no longer the case. I think there would be people who heard the news and would be sad, and would be able to share stories of me. So I want those tears.

Being sad, crying, telling stories, all prove that someone’s life touched people. We don’t have to all be Mother Theresa or famous novelists, sometimes it’s enough to just be there. To share pieces of ourselves and our time.



Sleepy morning

everyone is still curled up in their various places. I don’t know why the animals are feeling so lazy, mine is from Benadryl. 🙂

i have a full schedule the next few days.  Tonight I have a few women coming over for tacos and euchre, I made a cake so hopefully that will be good. Funny to not know beforehand.

Friday I have chemo and hopefully getting an afternoon workout in. Then Friday night gym people are doing a little social gathering which I will try to be grave enough to stop by. Corey will be home Saturday and then Sunday I have a birthday yoga session for my friend Michelle and then later I have a lunch. Funny how I don’t do anything for months and the life schedules everything in a few days.

The nice thing is that it makes it easy to wake up and list the things to look forward to? ?

Two years ago today




Goals – Schmoals!

I believe I have shattered any chance of completing my April goals. I will try again in May. 🙁 This cold is just gross. I am sure we are almost done but the last days are icky. Constant choking gross cough and snotty nose and runny eyes. I had so many tissues in my pockets yesterday I looked like ….uh…I can not think of a funny word to put here! OMG it has effected my brain!!!

Last night my itchy arms went into overdrive. It was terrible. Just terrible. I ended up with ice packs on one arm and hot pads on the other to see if either would help. I suspect that maybe the culprit was the hour of sun at the dog park. I recollect this happening last year and it took a few weeks for my skin to adjust to the suns rays.  I am a fucking mess.

In the same vein – I started researching chemo induced cataracts. It is generally not the same as age related. They come on quick and progress quickly, though most people seem to only get them in one eye at a time. Yay overachieving me. So maybe a few years instead of five or ten before surgery. Oh..I wonder what happens if I stop these chemo meds? I hope I am still on them for a couple more decades but realistically I probably won’t be. I hadn’t thought of that until just now.

I am having game night on Thursday and it will be all women! And Mexican food, and sangria. I am hopeful. It is extra appropriate because my husband is in Mexico! Maybe I will buy hats. There will only be four of us because I want to play Euchre. I had so much fun playing with my husband and daughter and son in law a couple of weeks ago.

I am sorry for a long rambling list of sickness again. The cataracts really through me for a loop. I use my eyes pretty regularly,and I have really felt just horrible this week on top of that.