I need this stage to be over.

I am sore, and ugly.

I have large bruises all over my chest and stitches. It hurts when I move my left hand.

If I touch my head a cloud of long disgusting hair falls around me.

I took a shower and then had to spend 10 minutes combing my hair to be able to get all of the hair in one spot so I could tie it back to keep it from falling in my food. Nothing I can do about my bangs, or what’s left of them. My scalp is very white. I may try self tanner once it’s all gone!

Corey better use the clippers on my head tonight or I will do it myself. If left on it’s own I think all of my hair would be gone in about five days but my psyche cannot last that five days.

My eyelashes have gaps now too and keep falling in my eyes. I am not shaving my eyelashes

My arms still have all of their hair.

Because of the new port I can’t really get up and jump around and do things that will make me feel better about myself. It’s all just ego right now. I hate looking this bad but I don’t have the energy to look any better.

This port is very much less painful that my first one.It is also 1/3 the size so long term will be far less uncomfortable I hope.

I am working for 30 minutes, resting for 30 minutes.

My brain is scattered.

I feel useless.

My yellow bird died this morning too.

Wow – that was a long list of whining. I feel better for having said it all so I won’t delete it. The bad with the good, right?

How did people without a big circle of friends and family survive cancer treatment before the internet? I don’t know. I would just sit in my house and cry if it wasn’t for all of my friends out there and my ability to research and read support forums to see everyone else dealing with the same things as me, and worse.

15 more minutes and back to work.


9 thoughts on “BLAH

  1. You gotta let it out somewhere. This is the perfect place to do it.

    I’m sorry about your hair. Sorry about the bird.

    For what it is worth, you may feel useless and ugly but I am still rather fond of you. 🙂

    I am glad this port is better and I hope it gets to the point where you don’t know it is there.

    I think life without the internet and internet friends would be sad. It really adds another wonderful dimension to our lives.

  2. I’m glad I know you and I’m glad I can read about you and your life. I’m sorry about your bird :-(. Sorry you’re feeling crappy too. I wish I had great eloquent words. Know you’re in my thoughts my prayers and my very best wishes. Venting is good. Here is a great place to do it. Yes, the good with the bad. XO

  3. I’m sure none of us minds reading a bit of whining from a person who has something to whine about. When people whine about how terrible America is, though, I would like to reach through the computer and punch them.
    I’m glad your port is smaller this time and not as painful.
    Big internet hug!

  4. I’m a little late catching up! So sorry you had a shitty day! The bird OMG..I’m so sorry…the hair…I can’t even imagine what you feel like. Have you given any thought to a light weight wig? I’m guessing down deep inside u don’t even have energy to shop for one!

    1. I just don’t think I can do a wig. I wear at hat at work, or outside and really dislike it. I want my head to be uncovered. I think once the hair is completely gone I will be just going with the bald at work and at home. I just can’t stand the way it looks right now with the patches. yick.

    1. I just can’t imagine having something that tight on my head all day! And I know it’s not good for your skin or hair follicles. Even if I wanted to just looking at an old mans ankles with no hair would scare me out of it.

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