I am not brave

Things people have said that make me uncomfortable;

I just wanted to tell you that I really admire your whole attitude about this.
You are amazing!

You are so brave.

I think it’s wonderful how you just keep living your life despite the cancer.



I really don’t know how to respond to these kind of statements. How I do try and respond is just with Thank You. What I want to respond with is, “what the hell are you talking about?”.

I am not brave. What I am is selfish. I don’t want to give up not even one single tiny little thing that I do or have. I have crafted my life so very carefully to be as self fulfilling as possible and to only do what I want to do. I do feel bad sometimes about how completely self serving my life is. The only thing I do that I don’t want to do is work, and the only reason I do that is so that I can afford to do all of the things I want to do. It’s not that I have some big insight on how to live your life with cancer it’s just that I do what the doctors tell me I have to do to keep moving so that I can get to the stuff I want to do.

I drive everyone around me crazy constantly talking about cancers, and treatments, and side effects, and supplements and medicines and I treat it like a big game to be played. I really like games! I need to win this game so I can have more time to read or play Candy Crush. I worry that I am taking advantage of the situation and doing even less of the things that I should be doing just to get away with doing more of the things I want to do. It’s a slippery slope for me!

Today I am catching a cold. I am okay with it because I have two weeks to get over it so there is no delay in treatment. The only thing that’s aggravating is that I have a really sore throat.Popping my supplements and lots of vitamin C drops, which are burning my throat. πŸ™

Sometime in the next few days I will tell you about an email I received and the gift that went with it. It was pretty amazing.
Though, this morning I received an email that was just a couple of sentences and a picture of some chairs and it made my whole morning! Funny how it can be something so big and grand, or the simplest note of “we’re thinking of you” that makes you happy.




3 thoughts on “I am not brave

  1. I want to hear about the emails and gifts if you have time.

    I think you are amazing. πŸ˜›

    I think people say that because they put themselves in your position and think wow I don’t think I could do that. I also think people are just so freaked out by cancer they don’t know what to say and they don’t know how to express themselves.

    1. It is a freaky thing to hear. I wish I had responded better to other people who had cancer now that I know.
      I am waiting to receive the package before I post about it. It is coming from overseas so hopefully soon! I would feel very bad if it got lost in transit.

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