Last night I dreamt that I was on a road trip. In the dream there was a collection of friends I have had through my life. No rhyme or reason for their inclusion in certain areas of the dream that I can see but when I woke up my mind was circling on lovely friend memories and one bad memory.
I talked in the past about being a terrible friend. I think I have gotten better in some ways but I am still not good at it. I am not asking anyone to convince me otherwise, I am smart enough to see my own short-comings but also honest enough to know that I have my positive points, it’s just today I want to talk about why I am not always a good friend.
My big fault through most of my adult years was that I never trusted anyone with secrets. Too many times in my younger years my trust was misplaced and my secrets were told, and sometimes taken out of context when retold for maximum flash. So, as an adult I learned how to listen, and how to draw people out, and it was genuine, I enjoy hearing about peoples lives and felt empathy and sometimes sympathy and wanted to help them, but I did not reciprocate. I would not show my true self. This means I was only half genuine.
I have gotten much better about this particular issue. I have learned how to trust and I do now have a group of people to whom I can say things. I try very hard to be honest and forthright.
My other shortcoming is my solitude. As much as I need people, I need solitude. I enjoy these quiet moments with no outside clamour and having the freedom to just write and be instrospective. Or not! To just sit and watch television and not have to interact. I am terrible at being the person who reaches out and asks other people what’s new. Thank goodness people reach out to me. I appreciate so much that time and time again they send me a quick text to check in and don’t seem to mind that I am not the initiator.
So when I woke up this morning I was immediately slapped in the face for like the 1000th time in life by what someone said to me many many years ago. 35 years? Give or take. A person I was not friends with but who was on the periphery of my life out of nowhere one day said “Have you ever noticed that you are only friends with people who can do something for you?”. I have no idea what prompted this person to say that to me but it had a terrible terrible effect on my head. It sat in my brain and has just caused this ripple of concentric thoughts for all these decades. It made me question every single friendship then, and now. What did this person see that I didn’t see? What made me so horrible that they were forced to try and protect all of the people of the world from me? Now, logically, I can tell you that this person who was very intelligent was also mean. He garnered attention by being mean to other people, and I think he just fired an arrow that happened to hit me at the perfect time,in the perfect spot.
I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about that. It actually caused so much internal turmoil for me that I never talked about it. One sentence by one person who meant literally nothing to me but had a very profound effect on me and how I view my own motivations.
I believe now that all friendships are with people who can do something for you. Why would you be friends with people who couldn’t stimulate your mind,or make you laugh when you were down? Or listen to you ramble and ramble about nonsensical things that were aggravating you. All of my friends are people who can do something for me. Hopefully all of my friends are also people I can do something for.
Also dirt and plants were a reoccurring theme in the dream.