I wrote this on my birthday but we’re back on our holding all posts as private for 24 hours and I forgot to “unprivate” it!
I have a tremendous amount of guilt for the pain I am causing people who care about me.
I understand that I have no control over what is happening and I am not “at fault”. I am however surrounded by people who are unhappy because of me and there is nothing I can do to make it better for them.
I am certainly NOT asking for sympathy. I am an intelligent person and I know what my feelings are and why I have them. I just wanted to write it down. The first round of cancer I had these same feelings but I didn’t understand them. This round has brought some clarity. And you never know maybe someone out there is having trouble understanding a loved ones reaction and this will some day help them.
A small part of me occasionally thinks maybe I should break down and take to my bed for a few days to give them an opportunity to comfort me and in doing that they would feel better. So I feel guilty about that as well.
I need to be strong and true to myself for as long as I can. At some point I will probably be sick, or weak or both. I will need help and I have faith that I will have whatever help I need.