Non Survivor Guilt

I wrote this on my birthday but we’re back on our holding all posts as private for 24 hours and I forgot to “unprivate” it!

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I have a tremendous amount of guilt for the pain I am causing people who care about me.

I understand that I have no control over what is happening and I am not “at fault”. I am however surrounded by people who are unhappy because of me and there is nothing I can do to make it better for them.

I am certainly NOT asking for sympathy. I am an intelligent person and I know what my feelings are and why I have them. I just wanted to write it down. The first round of cancer I had these same feelings but I didn’t understand them. This round has brought some clarity. And you never know maybe someone out there is having trouble understanding a loved ones reaction and this will some day help them.

A small part of me occasionally thinks maybe I should break down and take to my bed for a few days to give them an opportunity to comfort me and in doing that they would feel better. So I feel guilty about that as well.

I need to be strong and true to myself for as long as I can. At some point I will probably be sick, or weak or both.  I will need help and I have faith that I will have whatever help I need.

 

weakness

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1 thought on “Non Survivor Guilt

  1. This is how you function and handle adversity and people who care about you should know this and accept it. People don’t always do what they are supposed to do.

    I wonder if this thought would ever cross a man’s mind? Women are socialized to take the blame for everything.

    I hope you can release the guilt. It is a negative emotion and will drain your much needed energy.

    I will be thinking of you Tuesday. Hang in there. Sending you love and hugs from me and the big, goofy Swede.

Thoughts?