There is a sequence of events with cancer. At least in my head, because of my past experiences. Sometimes they happen over years, sometimes they happen over months but it always seems to be the same sequence
You have cancer, you have a treatment plan. You become. “A Cancer Patient”
Your treatment plan is working. You look like “A Cancer Patient” but as time goes on you start thinking everything is going to be okay
They find more cancer. Either a return, or it has spread further than they originally though. New more aggressive treatment plan goes into place. You lose your spunk and spark for a little bit because now you feel really beat down
A break from everything. Breathe in, Breathe out.
Things are looking a little grimmer, all the standards are done and you’re looking for out of the box ideas to make things better.
Suddenly they say the words you never want to hear and the cancer is in a place where the odds are bad. Where no treatment ever really works.
I feel like I am circling event 5 over and over again which only leaves event 6. Just thinking about those words is causing a mild panic attack every time.
Of course, that is when I write out here. When I am at the end of my introspective part, when I can finally put my thoughts and feelings into words and am ready to share. It almost always means that I have worked through the hard stuff and am ready to move on.