There is this small part of me that thinks when I die, and let’s face it, odds are good it will be from cancer, it will be because I didn’t tell the doctor something he needed to know.

Like when I had pneumonia and then the MAC infection. I was sick for like 8 weeks before I mentioned it. Or today I am so sinusey and I suddenly started thinking maybe there is a little tiny tumor growing in my head giving me a headache and all this pressure. Or my ear canal has been hurting for a couple of months. It feels like the inside of my ear is getting stiff. So what happens is I spend a year with all these little symptoms of bizarre unimportant things and then suddenly some poor doctor gets unloaded on because I am all full of angst and need to empty my angst tank.

This is the result of believing you are responsible for your own life. For the most part I then must also assume all blame. It would be so much easier to be a little more…hmmm, cannot think of the word. Vacant? Not paying attention kind of person? Oh! What is the lyric from Wicked? Unencumbered?




4 thoughts on “Rambly

  1. Insouciant? Maybe?

    Oh my goodness, reading your comment about feeling bothersome about it – yes! When I went to the dermatologist for the first time, and it was so awkward, like, “why are you here?”, and I really only went because, you know, you’re supposed to, and I had spotted some weird things but then it felt so dumb to point those out, especially because they were nothing, until the most insignificant little pink spot (I thought) turned out to be precancerous. But how do you know what’s the nothing and what’s the significant thing?

    And personally, I live in my head most of the time and pay only cursory attention to my body, so then when it seems like something is wrong I am hyper focused on it BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT’S NORMAL, lol.

    If it makes you feel any better about the sinus stuff, my daughter and I were just complaining about this evening. She’s had it for a week, and I guess I have too but the headache was getting me this evening. Weather coming in!

    1. What a great word! It is not in my day to day vocabulary. I may need to use it frequently for a couple of weeks.
      Definitely sinus time of year. We all walk around trying to figure out if we’re getting a cold or it’s the leaves molding, or the furnace running. UHG.
      I laughed at your dermatologist story because I can totally feel your pain.

  2. I think we have, as women, been treated poorly and like we are babies by so many doctors we are afraid to mention things. We learn young, we mention and they act like we are drama queens. Or because we have to have different doctors for everything the doctors aren’t hearing all the things so they can’t put it together. I try not to let it drive me to despair how many symptoms I had that if put together would have pointed to liver problems.

  3. It’s terrible to think back on because you always have to wonder. I am usually pretty good about not dealing with that part but occasionally…