Saturday morning with a lack of oxygen!

I am kind of a mess today, physically.  I don’t think I have slept more than 90 minutes straight without waking up for the last two nights and it is taking its’ toll. It hurts to breathe deep and when you fall asleep you breathe deep. Pretty straight-forward. Annoying but it won’t last too long.  I also look like hell! My face is all puffy and round and my hair regrowth adds to the effect so it doesn’t really look like my face to me. Also, temporary.

Mentally I am fine though I think in the last two weeks I have had a shift. I want to talk about it but I don’t want to make anyone sad, so if you are sensitive to my death and dying conversations either stop now, or prepare to take the conversation as I mean it.

Lately I have realized that for the first time I am able to see my own death. Maybe most people always can but I for one have never been able to picture myself as actually dying. I don’t mean some sort of precognitive sense of doom, just that I can picture life without me. I have never been scared of dying, but it is certainly not something I am looking forward to! I intend to be here for as long as I possibly can. Too many cups of lovely coffee to drink, books to read and people to laugh with to hurry it along but it is no longer some unknown event that might happen to someone at sometime, like a trip to outer space might happen to me one day. It is a tangible event that I can picture without panic or fear, like planning a trip. I think it’s a healthy good shift. I imagine that it is also a natural progression in our thought patterns as we get older: mine just may be shifting a little earlier.

I have wanted to blog about this for the last week but really just haven’t had a very stable concentration ability, my timing has been bad because then this morning I woke up and saw an announcement on a blogger site I read; This tough woman has been fighting cancer for quite awhile and it’s been a terrible battle for her. She died last night. So sad for her family.

We need a picture now.




9 thoughts on “Saturday morning with a lack of oxygen!

  1. I believe I popped out of the birth canal and thought something to the effect of, “oh great, now I am alive that means now I will die.” I have always been a little obsessed with death so forgive me if I sound flip, it is just the way I cope with it. Anyway, if you need someone to talk to about death, I am your gal.

    I supposed I have always believed none of us are promised another day. We need to be aware of our mortality to live life to its fullest. Stuff happens all the time to perfectly healthy people so that really doesn’t mean that you are going to live till 90. Then there are people with cancer who beat the odds. You just never know so while I think it is good to mindful and at peace your own mortality, even to the point of preparing for that eventuality one must continue to live while that is still an option.

    I am quite impressed that with your lack of sleep, that you put together such a coherent blog. You always amaze me. I feel really bad for you because sleep deprivation due to pain (and steroids) is maddening. I hope that your body heals fast, fast, fast.

    I heard about that blogger. Really sad for her and her family.

    So take care, my dear friend! Thank you for finding me on Xanga so that we could be friends. You have made much more enjoyable and interesting! I know you are not a phone person, per se, but you are always welcome to call enjoy just for a short chat. But call me on the landline because I never know where my cell is. 🙂

    We are heading out for a drive today. We are going to see if we can make it as far as Milwaukee. Talk to you later. Hugs!

    1. We are normally very flip about it here too. Though lately Corey Murray seems to be getting almost cheerful at the thought! His way of coping. 🙂
      I hope you had a great drive and were awake for some of it.

  2. Okay one thing – I do believe that if one is sick and is so sick that life is not livable that one has the option to brings things to a close more quickly. My hope is that no one I know and love ever has to make that decision but I would support my loved one if that was the path they needed to take.

  3. So sorry for the pain and lack of sleep. Thats a drag. Temporary but a drag none the less. I get what you’re saying….. I heard about that blogger too. No words. Where is the pic from? Reminded me of a place I stayed in TN that I now cant remember the name of. Dang it, it just literally fell out of my head

    1. The picture is from our balcony in Paris. It was lovely. 🙂
      I have been reminding myself all day – temporary! I hate the waste of a day.

  4. I have heard that our inability to imagine nothingness is a survival mechanism, it’s so that we aren’t paralyzed with fear all the time. Something like that. It made sense when I read it. I’ve had depression for many years and there have been times at which I have wished for my demise. It wasn’t so much that I wanted to die as it was that I just wanted the pain to stop. One of the things that I feel is unfair about life is that we can’t let someone else have our time if we want to. It’s a waste for someone like me to go on and on while someone like you, who is so optimistic and hopeful, looks into the abyss.
    I hope have gotten some sleep since you posted this.

    1. I am sorry you have suffered with that kind of pain. I think it’s so much harder when it’s not physical pain, probably so much harder to see the light at the end.
      My mind went off on a tangent after reading your sentence about giving time. It’s probably for the best that you can’t. You would have a bad time and give away a few years, and eventually the happy optimist would live to be 200 and turn into a creepy bitter old crone!

      1. I watched an odd science fiction movie about that on tv not too long ago. Time became the “money” of the world and the world became just as corrupt about time as it is about money. There were “time stores” on the corner, the ppl with lots of time were of course the rich ppl who gambled at fancy casinos with “time”. Was not a happy movie. There are several episodes about time on The Twilight Zone, one of them is pretty much exactly what you said. It’s an interesting concept on it’s own tho and my mind goes a thousand ways on it too. All of the possibilities….the person who is so afraid they’ll need it more for someone else they can’t ever give any away…one who can’t stop giving it away…the scenarios are endless. This is reminding me of that girl who levitates once in front of the mirror….Remember that? 🙂

  5. I get the dying thing too! I feel guilty for saying this but I don’t want to cause pain to loved ones..sounds narcissism. Great blog post!

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