I am kind of a mess today, physically. I don’t think I have slept more than 90 minutes straight without waking up for the last two nights and it is taking its’ toll. It hurts to breathe deep and when you fall asleep you breathe deep. Pretty straight-forward. Annoying but it won’t last too long. I also look like hell! My face is all puffy and round and my hair regrowth adds to the effect so it doesn’t really look like my face to me. Also, temporary.
Mentally I am fine though I think in the last two weeks I have had a shift. I want to talk about it but I don’t want to make anyone sad, so if you are sensitive to my death and dying conversations either stop now, or prepare to take the conversation as I mean it.
Lately I have realized that for the first time I am able to see my own death. Maybe most people always can but I for one have never been able to picture myself as actually dying. I don’t mean some sort of precognitive sense of doom, just that I can picture life without me. I have never been scared of dying, but it is certainly not something I am looking forward to! I intend to be here for as long as I possibly can. Too many cups of lovely coffee to drink, books to read and people to laugh with to hurry it along but it is no longer some unknown event that might happen to someone at sometime, like a trip to outer space might happen to me one day. It is a tangible event that I can picture without panic or fear, like planning a trip. I think it’s a healthy good shift. I imagine that it is also a natural progression in our thought patterns as we get older: mine just may be shifting a little earlier.
I have wanted to blog about this for the last week but really just haven’t had a very stable concentration ability, my timing has been bad because then this morning I woke up and saw an announcement on a blogger site I read; http://lisabadams.com/ This tough woman has been fighting cancer for quite awhile and it’s been a terrible battle for her. She died last night. So sad for her family.
We need a picture now.