Sunrise or Sunset?

I am up early enough to watch the sun come up. At this time of year you don’t have to make a choice on which one you want to see. In Ohio the sun is setting at about 5:30 pm. At my house the sun rises in my front living room window, and sets in my back bedroom window. Both are obstructed views, but it’s good enough. I get to see the sky change colors and if it looks particularly fantastic I can wander outside.

It’s a weird start to the new year. This is a chemo week for me but instead of my normal Wednesday, Thursday, Friday schedule I am split and doing chemo Tuesday, Wednesday & Friday. So basically I have been in bed for a few days already. I keep forgetting what day it is. My only new years tradition was to always try and do something good on New Years eve day that I wanted to be doing in the next year. It’s an old saying I heard once, something about ending the year as you want to start the new one.

My husband seemed sad all day yesterday. I hope it wasn’t because of me, but I am too drugged up to dig too deep. When the chemo drugs are in me my mind doesn’t seem to fire on all cylinders. I just really can’t think straight. I usually spend a lot of hours staring at the ceiling. I’m also in the process of upping my neuropathy medicine so I’m a little dopier than normal.

I just stopped typing because I noticed they sun is actually rising.

 

sunrise 010115

Not the best picture, unless you like to look at my neighbors houses, but it’s another sunrise that I am grateful to see.

WARNING From here on down this post is about to get maudlin

I’ve been thinking a lot about death lately. It’s feeling closer and closer. I am sure that’s more to do with all of the chemicals in my body sucking about my happy, but for whatever reason it hovers closer to the front of my brain. I find myself thinking things like, “I hope 2015 isn’t my last year”.

In a private post back in 2011 I said “I don’t this cancer will kill me, but I think when it comes back it will”. Now I have to work on a timeline. If I think this cancer will kill me I have to make sure my body and brain understand that it doesn’t have to be right away, we can just hold off and live with this cancer for another 25 years. That’s doable, right?

I need to get strong enough to exercise. I am missing all of the endorphins. I am missing the feeling of power and control that being strong gives me. I need to get into a pattern of muscle building that I can do even on the weak days. I think I will make it a 10 minute a day challenge for the next 30 days. Even on my worst days I should be able to do something simple for 10 minutes. Maybe not all at once, and maybe not while standing.

uhg,

Well, time to move on. All of my men folk are awake now so the house will get loud and exciting.

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4 thoughts on “Sunrise or Sunset?

  1. Wow…a post that will change my day! it’s amazing what I have learned from you…I love the New Year’s Eve day thinking. I’ve never heard that before and I like the message.

    The maudlin part…I’ve never had anyone be honest to me about the thought process of dying…nor have I ever known anyone with your strength…nor have I ever known anyone that I feel I can say what I think because they just dropped the truth about cancer and dying….today, I’m very thankful that I don’t have cancer and not having to think your thoughts about myself….although with no idea what is in store for me today, I could die today….

    I’ve never known anyone like you. I cherish you with a bursting heart!

  2. I like the sunrise picture. I don’t see many sunrises so I liked sharing yours. I have been trying hard to see and notice the sunsets. This time of year, many of sunsets are clouded over so I am so happy to see one.

    I am glad you are going to try the 10 minutes a day exercising and not while standing. It is a good thing to do for your body. Could your hubby or son help you achieve this goal? Maybe be a spotter for you.

    I think it is important to talk about death. You have a bitch of a cancer but you have seen good progress with this chemo. It is killing the bad cells and to do that it is really screwing with the rest of you. But it is killing the bad to make way for the good.

    While we all wish that the outcome could be absolute cancer free that may not be an option so yes, living with cancer is the next best option. Do what you can and that is all you can do.

    You are an incredible friend! I know this chemo is incredibly hard. I hope today is a gentle day. I hope the menfolk are hanging in there and have a good day today, too.

Thoughts?