What if?

So let’s think about the worst for a moment. Just for a minute – and you don’t have to read this!

Suppose I have my next CT Scan done and instead of hearing that my tumors are shrinking nicely I instead hear that they’ve quadrupled in size and a dozen more have popped up. I can tell you that this would be very bad. This would be the “there’s nothing more we can do for you” conversation.

So if that happens what next? What practicable things would have to happen next? Would I quit my job that same day? Would I take the extra time to show other people how to do the work I do that no one else does? Or would I say to hell with it and just walk away? How long does a good work ethic hold you when you know you only have so much time to live?

Would I keep reading? Playing Candy Crush, Words with Friends? Would I tell my Words with Friends Opponents that at some point I won’t be finishing a game?

Would I buy a big bag of all the junk food I love and avoid or would I go on a raw kale diet to buy myself more time? I think I would still try and eat as well as possible, no need to hasten things along.

Would I take a trip anywhere? Is there one last place that I really want to see? No. There isn’t, cause the point in seeing it is to have the memories, right?

I would spend a lot of time sitting outside. In my yard, in parks, walking trails. That’s what makes me feel good.

Would I say goodbye to people? I don’t think I would. I think I would write goodbyes to people and give someone my blog password to publish them all when I’m gone.

Would I stop caring what I look like? NO! I would do the opposite! I would wear my best looking outfits, and all my make up and jewelry. I don’t want anyone remembering me looking ugly.

I would try to make all of the end of life decisions so no one else had to do it for me.

What about my personal possessions? Clothes, jewelry, knickknacks? Would I just leave everything for my husband to sort out or would I take care of some of it first? I hope I would take care of most of it.

Or would I say to hell with all of the stuff above and start checking out alternate therapies? A nice trip to a clinic in  Reno or Mexico? This is a trickier one. Many people have found good results from some therapies that are just not available through your common clinic or covered by your insurance. So this is also a bankrupting proposition.  I really don’t think I would. I don’t know.

It’s sort of like the what would I do if I won a million dollars game, but in reverse.


There is a lot of coverage right now about right to die states because of the Brittany Maynard story. Did you know it’s only legal to end your own life in three states? Oregon, Washington & Vermont. http://www.deathwithdignity.org/advocates/national

I wonder what qualifies you as a resident of Vermont?





14 thoughts on “What if?

  1. I’ve actually thought about these things myself. I think I would continue being the person I am. Or would I. I wouldn’t tell anyone. But I would…I would have to prepare my family for me absence…or would I. Is it selfish to take away their peace earlier than I have to…how would I tell people what they have meant to me and would I finally un tactfully tell people what I think? Especially my frienemies?
    Very thought provoking post!

    1. I think it is one of those subjects that of you are perfectly fine you are allowed to talk about, but if you are sick people get a little squeamish.

    2. Nina – I think I would tell people because it gives them time to prepare. In my past, I found it harder to deal with sudden death.

  2. Gonna say I didn’t read most of this but call me Pollyanna, I don’t think there is ever that point where there is nothing that can be done. Poisons didn’t work, lets try healthy I suppose if the pain was so bad you can’t do it anymore then that would be a different situation maybe. I can’t really speak with any authority.

  3. Craig’s dad is 90 and he has been planning for his death for at least 20 years. He is a pragmatist. He wanted to make sure everything was taken care of and so he has been talking about it for a long time. At first it was uncomfortable but now we understand the wisdom of preparation.

    I think you plan it all out now with the knowledge that if it happens you are free to change your mind.

    I think with work, I would leave but also say to my coworkers as long as I am up to it you can call with questions.

    You are not ugly and you don’t need makeup. if it makes you feel more comfortable fine but people love you for you not the makeup.

    For me, I would give away everything I wanted to give away and didn’t need.

    I find it sad and frustrating that most states haven’t given people the right to die. http://www.deathwithdignity.org/access-acts

    1. I am with Craigs Dad. So much easier on everyone if you talk about it before it’s an issue. Get stuff out of the way. Now if only I wasn’t a procrastinator as well!

  4. I think that the law against taking your own life is just bizarre. I suppose it’s a bible thing. Laws based on bible quotes are problematic at the best of times. Why should the government force us to live if we don’t want to? Odd.
    I like your plan. It sounds like the way I would do it if I were in my right mind. However, with bipolar disorder, if someone told me I had something terrible, I might just “cut to the chase” and break the law for once in my life!

    1. I never really thought about why there were laws governing it. Is it against biblical law to kill yourself in Christianity? I may have to do some research!

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