I am lucky. I work for a company that is multinational and because all of our systems are spread out on different continents we are all set to work remotely. So for the most part if I have an internet connection, I can work. I have a cell phone, and skype and remote access to everything. I also have a lot of sick days accumulated, and the ability to work on my own schedule. Yet still, sometimes I think, I can not do this.
I have been thinking about this for two days now and trying to pinpoint what it is. I think it’s a combination of things, which is a great opportunity for a bulleted list!
- It’s Ego.
- I hate being out of the loop. I hate ever being caught not knowing what is going on, especially with things I am responsible for. One of the main parts of my job is just making sure things get done. When things do not get done, I have failed. When I am not there and in the loop I don’t know what’s getting done.
- It’s the drugs
- Honestly – my brain is just not working as well all of the time. When the lovely chemo drugs are flowing through your body killing off all fast growing cells, it is difficult to think correctly. My attention span is low, my ability to concentrate is bad, and anything complicated is just mind boggling to me. This also affects my tolerance. I lose some of my filters and I really just want to snap at people.
- It’s just being plain old tired
- I can work for only so long before I have to take a break. My brain, my fingers, my breathing, my eyes everything gets tired very quickly.
- It is an emotional response to a non-emotional situation
- I am not normally an emotional person, at all, but with all of the first three things in the list it brings my emotions much closer to the surface and I react emotionally to things that normally I would not. It is a very difficult thing for me. I find myself taking things personally when normally I would just chalk it up to peoples personalities and let it go.
Off to work I go now. At least for a little bit. Not feeling very well this morning, so it may be a one hour on, one hour off kind of day.