Yesterday was my first day of work as an actual employee (contractor) for the Cancer support agency. Immediately felt different. It’s funny how the mindset is different for employee vs volunteer. I hope I am a help to them in the long run.

I went to my first SBRT treatment. Because it is so complicated they are scheduled strangely. I was going in as everyone else was closing down and locking up. I had the tour of where to go and what to do, same as 2011, and then stripped my top half  (5F outside) and waited.

when they were ready they came and got me and in I went. Took off my gown and hopped up onto the table. Laid down in my movement constricting form  arms up under a bar, pillow under my knees to stop my hips and legs from moving and that was the fun part. 🙁

I was so uncomfortable. My skin was reacting to the fabric of the sheet on the mold so my shoulders and arms were on🔥 . My hip hurt so bad, and I couldn’t move, and then they put the diaphragm constricting bar on and locked me in, for fifty minutes. It was really awful.

The worst part? No treatment. Once the machine was turned on, in test mode, at a certain point the machine knocked into the diaphragm constricting bar attempting to gut me like a fish. My abdomen is just a tad to short. So after an hour the plan was aborted officially, and I left. The doctors will all meet again and make a new plan and I will get a call with my new schedule. In the meantime the little bastard in my lung is still growing and hurting.

I drove home in a mood I don’t have a lot of experience within my adult life, almost despair I think. All back to normalish sort of this morning. It really sucked the hope out of me, and still a little part of me wonders if it will work, if this is some sort of bad omen. This SBRT procedure has been like a pipe dream the last two years that never happens.

Off to spend the day at a funeral.








6 thoughts on “Yesterday

  1. My jaw kind of dropped when you got to the part where you didn’t even get the treatment. I was envisioning the rest of with tremendous sympathy, because of how uncomfortable the knee MRI/s I had were, and the duration was about the same, although there was no physical restriction such as bars on moving, and it certainly didn’t even begin to compare in in discomfort, I’m sure, but just remembering that had me squirming. But then, NOT TO GET THE TREATMENT…!!!! Did they mess up, then? I hope they apologized all over the place.

    I just can’t imagine the rest of it, I know, but I think of you often and always try to send you strength and hope.

    1. Thank you. I do appreciate the good thoughts. They apologized so so many times. At one point I had a whole room full of people starting down at me in my minimalist Iron Maiden setup trying to make it work and they just couldn’t without compromising the treatment plan. I think I have shuffled it up in my head and thinking of it as simulation #2. Hopefully the next time will be actual treatment and not simulation #3. I may Xanax in advance. Or is it a Z?

  2. That you were in despair after an hour of what sounds like pointless torture is more than understandable. That you were able to recover that quickly is amazing.

  3. Wow! I am so sorry. What a lot to go through and not get the treatment.

    You are a tiny person but it kind of unbelievable that they have not dealt with another small person and come up with a solution to this problem.

    I would def go with the Xanax (with an X) next time. I have Ativan that I use for my MRIs and I am very grateful to have that. It makes all the difference in the world for me.

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